so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
