You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
