His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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