hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
