Your favorite bartender is back from prision
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
