textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
