we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
