Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
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Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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