I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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