You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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