His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
