The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
