I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So much rum. So many feels.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
