So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Randomize
