i jhust puked up my retainher.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
