There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
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when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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