Ambien. No doubt about it.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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