Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
