So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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