onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
