I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
