I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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