yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
