Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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