My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
