Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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