I accidentally had phone sex last night
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
