I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
