I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
someone owes me an orgasm
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
