She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
