im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
