I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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