Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
