guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
