how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
