I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So vagazzling was a success
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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