Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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