It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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