the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
