Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Is it because I queefed?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
