i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
