I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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