I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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