What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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