my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
