Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
