I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
