I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
