he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
