I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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