I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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