I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
