shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize