I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Randomize
