theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Vodka?
Forever.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
