If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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