The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
