Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
