yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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