Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
