After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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