Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
