I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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