If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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