New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
